and isn't it funny ...

how when people see me hurting and they reach out in kindness...i recoil in fear. no no don't be nice don't be nice. i can't handle your niceness. i'll break if you're nice to me.

and isn't it funny how i used to feel this warmth for beautiful people...and now i hate beauty. i look at people who sparkle and i hate them because i feel so dull and scuffed.

and isn't it funny that you used my own words and twisted them to fit?

and isn't it funny that youcan hurt me more than i've ever hurt and i can still know you're you.

and isn't it funny that you're the only person i can turn to ...because you're still my best friend? even though you're not my best friend at all?

and isn't it funny that grump said, when i asked why..when i said..but i haven't been different at all to you...he said "you belonged to chris before"...isn't that funny? because..when did that change? it hasn't changed for me.

and isn't it funny that i'd wake up every morning and wish for my breath back. for my words back. for my smiles back.

and isn't it funny that while all i wanted most of the time was for you to say it was a mistake. that when i didn't want that...i just wanted to lean into you and sigh in relief. i just wanted to lean in and pretend. pretend this wasn't happening. and when i tried. when i tried to get you to let me do that, you couldn't meet my eyes and everything i just wanted at that moment just that moment of peace would turn into me shredding into bits all over you.

and isn't it funny that you said, when i asked if im still the girl you fell in love with you said yes and that i'm probably even better now. isn't that funny.

isn't it funny that you told me i'd become stronger.

isn't it funny that i don't want to be stronger. that i was perfectly happy being the weaker person i was before.

and isn't it funny that i still believe in love?

and isn't it funny that my ego is at it's lowest in some ways, and yet...i have a stronger sense of my self than maybe i ever have?

and isn't it funny that all i want to do is wake up with you one more time? that i hate you for sleeping on the couch that last night, so i didn't have one night where i knew 'this might be it'

isn't it funny that one night i slept next to you, happy, woke up in the morning to your kisses and morning boner and sleepy caresses and nuzzles

and the next morning i woke up alone?

and have been waking up alone ever since?

isn't it funny that one nice girl's appreciative sweet letter has had me crying all morning?

isn't it funny that jen after vieko left her, spent months looking for someone to replace him? and i don't want to replace you. when people say "it takes time' and i want to rage. "I DON'T WANT IT TO TAKE TIME." "i don't *want* to get over this! i don't want people to be able to move on. i want what we promise each other. i want what we said it was."

and isn't it funny that i choke on the words 'ex husband'?

and isn't it funny that my sexuality has shut down?

and isn't it funny that when i have tried to masturbate, you enter my head and i just roll over and stare at the wall?

and isn't it funny that i felt ashamed that you left me?

isn't it funny that i still feel ashamed? like it's a reflection on me and my worth?

and isn't it funny that i sometimes kiss you just to smell you.

isn't it funny that people smell right or wrong?

isn't it funny that i smelled right but you left anyway?

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