i don't really fear addiction to substances. i have had an off and on again relationship with them. i quit smoking more than i ever end up doing. my drinking fluctuates. down during hte week. up a bit on weekends, most definitely. i'd never claim to be the healthiest.

but... i didn't think i have an addictivepersonality.

but i've realized...over the past few years.

i'm a people-addict.

i'm addicted to intimacy. to relationships. by that i don't necessarily mean lust/skin/lover intimacy/relationships. i mean friendships. i mean people in general. and i go through waves in which i become more addicted to certain people and hang out with hardly anybody but them.

i'm like this with musicians too.

i get a certain emotional intensity out of somebody or a song, and i try to wrap myself up in that for as long as i can. like i want to suck it dry. good god, i'm a vampire.

i've never been sure if this is something i should be worried about.

I have tried to change it, a little. but, some of it is so finely ingrained i dont' even realize i'm doing it til i'm immersed. i'm working on it.

after fuzzyboy left. I did a few things to get the crazy out of me. aside from keening.

i made boxes. decoupaged boxes. and i started this diary. but i've always been firmly in control of what is here. through vagueries or deletions, i've been too scared to see how lost i might have been, so i just danced around it.

but that box. there were a few, but one of them was the 'masterpiece'

it's crazy personified.

it's insanity with a lid.

it's horrible , ugly, awful, psycho, bad.

i keep it in a drawer as a reminder. although it hurts me like a stab in the eye to look at it.

it's a fine line, baby.

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